


I’ve Got Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match

by byitisee



Series: Pick a Side [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, OOC for plot reasons, Panic Attacks, Sick Character, anxious virgil, so far anyway, temporarily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-07-25 06:25:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16191902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byitisee/pseuds/byitisee
Summary: Final work in the Pick a Side series (previously called Sanders Sides). I plan to continue writing in the same universe, but it won't be this same series. Please read the other 2 fics first in order to not be hopelessly confused...





	1. Disappointed Faces of Your Peers

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to everyone who's stuck with this one! It's been a long journey so far, and I don't plan to stop this universe anytime soon. This one's pretty plotty, but they all were, really... Enjoy!
> 
> The title is from "What a Catch, Donnie" by Fall Out Boy
> 
> Ch. 1 title is from "Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance

Roman blinked, and the handsome stranger was gone. Had he imagined him? Surely there wasn’t actually a side he didn’t know about… The others wouldn’t keep something so vital to Thomas’s well-being a secret from their friend, especially if that friend was as brave and powerful as he is. It would be simply absurd. There would be no logic to keeping such a thing a secret. It wouldn’t make any sense at all. If they all kept secrets from each other, the mindscape would become chaos.

“Hey. It’s been awhile.”

Roman spun around, looking for the owner of the new voice. A side wearing a very tacky green jumper was leaning casually against the wall by his window. “Who are you people?!”

The other side straightened with a smirk. “You don’t know? Interesting. That seems… Counterintuitive.”

“Counter… what? Speak English!”

“Wow. The others weren’t kidding when they said you weren’t the sharpest crayon in the toolbox.”

“That doesn’t even make any… Never mind. What do you mean the others? What’s going on?!”

“You know, your buddies… Logan especially seems to think you’re a bit of a loose cannon. Like you might cause as many problems as you prevent. Something like that. I wasn’t really listening.”

Fuming, Roman drew his sword, holding it with a shaking hand toward the stranger. “Who. Are. You.”

“That’s not your biggest problem right now, bud.”

Roman flinched. “Don’t call me that. What do you mean; what’s my biggest problem?”

“Logan told you to leave to protect Thomas, right?” Roman’s silence seemed to be all the answer the other side needed. “Well, some other side is trying to take your place.”

Roman gritted his teeth. “Take my place?”

“Yeah, your old pal Calm is helping Thomas while you’re forced to hide away in your room. By yourself. Where you can’t cause any… Damage.”

“Calm? Who’s Calm? I never knew a Calm.”

“Really? Him too? Do you not know anything? It’s almost like the others don’t trust you…”

“Why should I believe you?”

“I’m not asking you to. Go see for yourself.”

“Fine then, I will!” With an exaggerated huff, Roman sunk out. The stranger in green smiled before following his lead.

***

Virgil stumbled into his room, panic and dizziness immediately crashing back down on him. Everything in his being told him to just collapse onto his bed, but he was far too anxious for that. Pacing around the room, he tried to focus on the facts. Logan always insisted that the facts would clear his head, while the emotions would cloud his judgement.

Logan. Why was he acting so off? He’s never ignored Virgil’s subtle requests for help during a panic attack before. He didn’t even seem to realize that Virgil was asking for his help… Was he just distracted by Thomas needing him? No, it had to be more than that. He wasn’t focused on Thomas either. It was almost like he couldn’t focus. Or didn’t bother...

Virgil chastised himself for being so critical of his friend. Of course Logan cared what was going on with him and Thomas. He’s always cared in the past. Why would today be any different?

And why had he, himself, stopped worrying about Logan, Thomas, and Patton? Why had he left them behind? He obviously cared. If anything, he cared too much. This Calm guy had somehow… Wait. Calm? We haven’t had a Calm since-

“Virgil?” Patton was suddenly standing in his open doorway.

After taking a moment to catch his breath, Virgil looked back up to the father figure, “Pat, we need to talk-”

“Yeah. We do.”

Virgil waited for a solid minute before deciding Patton wasn’t going to continue until he said something. “Uh, is Thomas ok?”

“I had to leave him with Calm.”

“Please tell me Logan’s there too, because-”

“This isn’t about Logan!”

Virgil froze, heart hammering in his chest.

“I’m sorry, kiddo. I didn’t come here to yell at you. I just wanted to know why you left Thomas like that.”

“Calm said-”

“That’s not the point, Virgil. Thomas needed you. And you left. How could you just leave him like that?”

Virgil felt his breathing speed up again. He’d lost count of how many times he’d found himself panicking recently. He steadied himself on his bedpost, trying to catch his breath.

“That’s convenient…”

“What?” Virgil stammered.

“You can’t just blame a panic attack every time you want to escape a conversation.”

“Patton, I can’t…”

“And you can’t help Thomas, and you can’t stop Deceit, and you can’t master your powers… Tell me, Virgil… What can you do?”

‘I can panic…’ Virgil thought to himself sarcastically. ‘I’m really good at panicking.’ He needed to be anywhere else doing anything else with anyone else. He could not deal with this right now. Or ever. He couldn’t deal with this ever. He couldn’t deal with this.

“If you have nothing to say, I guess that’s it. Just… I’m a little disappointed, Virgil. Thomas has to come first.” With that, Patton sunk out.

***

Roman rose up in his spot, immediately turning to where he expected to find Thomas before realizing he was still on the couch. He looked terrible. Green Guy popped up next to him, and his rage fully reformed. “Logan, what’s going on?!”

Logan blinked at him. “To what do you refer?”

“Roman, what are you doing?” Patton was clearly shaking, but Roman was too focused on the accusatory tone to notice.

“Why shouldn’t I be here?”

Patton whipped around, looked Thomas up and down for a few seconds, and turned back to say something to Roman before noticing Green Guy. “Uh, Roman, who’s your friend?”

Something about Green Guy’s expression changed at this before quickly morphing back into his typical smirk.

“He’s not my… Never mind. Who’s he?!” Roman demanded, pointing accusingly at Calm.

“Name’s Calm. Here to help, and all that.” Calm nodded to Green Guy.

Roman looked back and forth between the two new sides. “Wait… You two know each other?!”

Green Guy shrugged.

Calm smirked. “Does it matter?”

“Roman, you’re hurting Thomas!”

“I would never do such a thing! How could you think I would hurt Thomas? Do you really not trust me?!”

Thomas suddenly reached out and grabbed Patton’s arm. Even Roman realized that both were shaking now.

Patton reached with his free arm to hold Thomas’s hand. “Thomas…?”

Before he could answer, Thomas’s eyes rolled back in his head.

Patton turned to glare at Roman, Dad voice cold and unforgiving. “Happy now?”


	2. We Got Innocence for Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "House of Wolves" by My Chemical Romance

“Hey. It’s been awhile.” Turmoil looked at Roman with a smirk. This was gonna be fun.

“Who are you people?!”

So Deceit hadn’t lied about the mind wipe then… That would make this a whole lot easier. “You don’t know? Interesting. That seems… Counterintuitive.”

“Counter… what? Speak English!” Roman was clearly already getting angry. This was too easy.

“Wow. The others weren’t kidding when they said you weren’t the sharpest crayon in the toolbox.”

“That doesn’t even make any… Never mind. What do you mean the others? What’s going on?!”

“You know, your buddies… Logan especially seems to think you’re a bit of a loose cannon. Like you might cause as many problems as you prevent. Something like that. I wasn’t really listening.”

Roman drew his sword, clearly shaking. He should really work on those anger issues. “Who. Are. You.”

“That’s not your biggest problem right now, bud.”

Roman flinched at the unexpected nickname. Turmoil knew only Patton was allowed to call him that. “Don’t call me that. What do you mean; what’s my biggest problem?”

“Logan told you to leave to protect Thomas, right?” Roman didn’t even justify that with a response. “Well, some other side is trying to take your place.”

“Take my place?” Roman looked like he only needed one more push before he might seriously consider murdering his dear friend.

“Yeah, your old pal Calm is helping Thomas while you’re forced to hide away in your room. By yourself. Where you can’t cause any… Damage.”

“Calm? Who’s Calm? I never knew a Calm.”

“Really? Him too? Do you not know anything? It’s almost like the others don’t trust you…” That should do it.

“Why should I believe you?”

Interesting. He must be learning a thing or two from Logan after all. Or maybe Virgil. “I’m not asking you to. Go see for yourself.”

“Fine then, I will!” Turmoil’s smirk morphed into a grin as he watched his old pal fall right into his trap.

***

Despair appeared outside Virgil’s locked room next to an expectant-looking Deceit.

“You’re right on time,” Deceit said with a glare. “I assume Roman feels all warm and fuzzy inside?”

Despair shrugged. “He should be ready for Turmoil.”

“So my master plan is falling apart?” Deceit asked with a crooked smile.

Despair nodded. “Time for Virgil now?”

“He’s my least favorite to torture.” Deceit smiled, taking Despair’s hand to start the projected hallucination.

“Virgil?” Deceit was pretty good at mimicking Patton’s voice by now.

Virgil visibly relaxed, taking a deep breath, “Pat, we need to talk-” So he’d probably figured out about Calm… We’ll need to distract him. Despair wondered how Deceit would handle this.

“Yeah. We do.” Where was he going with this?

Virgil hesitated for a painfully long time. “Uh, is Thomas ok?” Always Thomas… Why was he only ever worried about Thomas?

“I had to leave him with Calm.”

“Please tell me Logan’s there too, because-”

“This isn’t about Logan!” Despair shuddered at the force behind their shared words.

Virgil didn’t answer.

“I’m sorry, kiddo. I didn’t come here to yell at you. I just wanted to know why you left Thomas like that.” So we’re going for guilt, then. Good to know.

“Calm said-”

“That’s not the point, Virgil. Thomas needed you. And you left. How could you just leave him like that?” Despair took this opportunity to further influence Virgil’s emotions. He had to make sure he wouldn’t fight back. Virgil was particularly vulnerable to him, so it shouldn’t be a problem.

Virgil leaned heavily on his bedpost, clearly panicking. Despair pulled back subconsciously before remembering that they were trying to hurt Virgil. That was the point. A panicking Virgil couldn’t save the day.

“That’s convenient…”

“What?” Virgil stammered.

“You can’t just blame a panic attack every time you want to escape a conversation.” An extra layer of guilt. Despair had almost forgotten how practiced Deceit was at using Virgil’s insecurities against him. If they didn’t need to cause a hallucination in order to avoid the problem of the locked door, Deceit could easily do this without help.

“Patton, I can’t…”

“And you can’t help Thomas, and you can’t stop Deceit, and you can’t master your powers… Tell me, Virgil… What can you do?” Despair’s heart rate quickened. He knew the answer to that question.

‘I can panic…’ Virgil and Despair thought simultaneously. ‘I’m really good at panicking.’ Despair carefully nudged Deceit to show him that Virgil didn’t need anymore. There was no way he was coming out of this anytime soon.

“If you have nothing to say, I guess that’s it. Just… I’m a little disappointed, Virgil. Thomas has to come first.” Despair barely waited for Fake Patton to sink out before leaving for his own room.

***

Turmoil appeared at Roman’s side, immediately shoving anger and emotional chaos in his direction.

“Logan, what’s going on?!”

Logan was clearly still being influenced by Apathy. “Calm” was at it again. “To what do you refer?”

“Roman, what are you doing?” Patton looked awful. Turmoil had to keep himself from grinning.

“Why shouldn’t I be here?” So Roman had taken the bait pretty well, then.

Patton desperately checked on Thomas before noticing Turmoil. “Uh, Roman, who’s your friend?”

Turmoil involuntarily shuddered before pulling himself back together. He knew Patton wouldn’t remember him. He knew that. But to actually hear it…

“He’s not my… Never mind. Who’s he?!” Roman demanded, pointing accusingly at Calm.

“Name’s Calm. Here to help, and all that.” Apathy nodded to Turmoil with a barely concealed, if semi-bored, smile.

Roman looked back and forth between the two sides. “Wait… You two know each other?!”

Turmoil shrugged, focusing intently on keeping Roman, Patton, and Thomas overwhelmed without messing with Apathy’s hold on Logan.

Apathy looked slightly less bored. “Does it matter?”

“Roman, you’re hurting Thomas!” Well… Roman wasn’t helping, but it was mostly Turmoil. He carefully kept the smile off his face.

“I would never do such a thing! How could you think I would hurt Thomas? Do you really not trust me?!” Patton might as well have been executing the plan himself…

Thomas suddenly reached out and grabbed Patton’s arm. So he was finally close to his breaking point. Turmoil focused even more of his energy on Thomas. If only he had more time…

Patton reached with his free arm to hold Thomas’s hand. “Thomas…?” Poor Patton. Poor, weak, useless Patton. Holding his hand won’t do any good.

Thomas passed out, unable to handle anymore of Turmoil’s influence when all of the Light Sides were such a wreck. Maybe Deceit had a point with this whole master plan thing. Turmoil usually preferred to wing it, but with plan seemed to come power. Turmoil liked power.

Turmoil and Apathy turned to Patton in surprise when they heard the Dad voice. Well, he was definitely out of control… “Happy now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Favorite Dark Side? Least favorite Dark Side? Did you see any of that coming? Well? Did you????


	3. I Mean This, I’m Okay (Trust Me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by My Chemical Romance

Roman took an unsteady step back, hurt clear on his face. He glanced to Logan for support—or maybe so he wouldn’t have to meet Patton’s gaze—but the logical side seemed unbothered by the events of the past few minutes. He found himself wishing Virgil were here without having a clear reason why. It really didn’t make any sense considering he had just made him panic earlier that same day… But he couldn’t control his desires, and, right now, he desired Virgil’s presence.

Patton turned his harsh gaze on Calm. “And you! I thought you said you’d help Thomas!”

Calm didn’t seem remotely ruffled by Patton’s attitude or accusation. “Yes, I did.”

Patton looked dumbfounded. “So why didn’t you?!”

Calm shrugged. “You weren’t letting me calm you down, and then drama queen over here didn’t help things…” he said, pointing lazily at Roman.

Patton stared daggers at Roman.

Roman met his eyes for a moment before studying his shoes. “I was just trying to help…”

“We told you to help by going to your room. You didn’t come back for Thomas. You came for your ego.” Patton’s voice was tight with forced calm. Roman thought it was worse than the yelling.

“I’m sorry!” Roman hesitated for a long moment before looking from Logan to Patton and back to Logan. “I’ll just… I’ll go, then.” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Patton nod and then turn his attention to Thomas. Logan didn’t even make eye contact. Shivering from the tension, Roman sunk out.

***

As Roman appeared outside Virgil’s room, he questioned again why he was so desperate to see the other side. If he didn’t know better, he would almost say it was a need. But, of course, if he needed to see Virgil, he would have a specific reason. And he did not. Sighing in exasperation, he moved to open Virgil’s door only to find it locked. That’s odd… Virgil always locks out the dark sides, but he hasn’t locked out his friends since ducking out. At least, not that Roman knew of… Although, he was sick… Despite his better judgement in the face of Virgil clearly not wanting visitors, Roman found that he couldn’t not see Virgil. He would sit outside his door all night if he had to. So he knocked softly, mindful that he could be sleeping. “Virgil?” he whispered. “It’s Roman. I just wanted to…” What? What did he want to do?” “Just… Can I come in?”

***

Virgil was pretty sure he couldn’t handle Roman right now. Of the light sides, Roman was easily the most likely to increase his anxiety, and he was already a wreck. However, Roman has never tried to enter when the door was locked, and there was something in his voice… Something unsettling. He was also being unusually sensitive to the possibility that excessive noise would bother him, which was a good sign. And he didn’t sound mad or disappointed. Against all logic, but suddenly craving the sight of his friend, he opened the door.

***

Roman blinked in surprise as the door began to creep open. He had expected an argument, if not an outright refusal of his company. As the door opened enough to reveal Virgil, Roman gasped. He looked awful. There were tears and tear tracks covering his face, his eyeshadow was in super-racoon mode, and he was very visibly shaking. He still looked unwell, too. His face was both pale and flushed, and his eyes were slits as if the bit of light peeking through the door was enough to blind him.

“Did you need something, or did you just come to stare at me?” There was no bite behind the words. It was almost like Virgil was on autopilot.

“Can I come in?”

Virgil opened the door fully and waved him inside.

The room felt heavier and more oppressive than normal. Roman was compelled to take a deep breath through his suddenly tight chest, as if Virgil’s mood was coming off him in waves and affecting everything and everyone around him.

Virgil raised his eyebrows expectantly.

Roman wasn’t sure what to say. He hadn’t expected to get this far. “Uh, how are you?”

***

Virgil blinked at him. He still wasn’t quite sure how to act around Roman under normal circumstances, and these were clearly abnormal. Virgil himself was a complete wreck, his room was probably corrupting faster than it normally would due to his distress, and Roman was acting… weird. He never just popped by like Patton sometimes did. He shuddered involuntarily when he thought of Patton, hoping Roman wouldn’t notice.

“Virgil?”

Crap. He never answered the question. He cleared his throat, “I’m uh…” He wasn’t sure how honest Roman wanted him to be… Surely this wasn’t actually why he was here. Was it? “I’m fine.” 

Roman looked hurt at the obvious lie.

“I mean- It’s just… You don’t have to worry about it. We can get to whatever you came for.” Virgil shifted into a less obvious lie, turning away from Roman so the other couldn’t see his face.

“I didn’t really have a specific reason, Virge,” Roman admitted. “I just didn’t want to be around the others right now, I guess.”

Virgil whipped around to look Roman in the eyes. “Why? What happened?”

Roman hesitated. “Logan’s being… distant. Patton didn’t want me to try to help Thomas. He said I was overwhelming him, and then Thomas passed out, and-”

“What?! What happened to Thomas?”

“I don’t KNOW, they wouldn’t TELL me!” Roman took a steadying breath.

He probably shouldn’t let him stay in his room too much longer. “Patton seemed like he didn’t want me to stay either, but then he came here just to tell me how disappointed he is that I left.”

“He WHAT?!”

Virgil flinched at the volume. “I don’t know, that’s what he said.”

“That couldn’t possibly have been Patton. Are you sure? He would never say that!” Roman was pacing now, clearly agitated.

“No, the dark sides were locked out. I double-checked. I didn’t want to deal with Deceit today. But it’s not like him to yell at you either, Princey.” Virgil felt his heart rate quicken. “Do you think something’s wrong with him? Is he being corrupted?”

“No, that… That was definitely Patton. We used to fight sometimes. It’s been awhile, but still…”

“You mean before Turmoil?”

“Who’s Turmoil?”

Virgil gaped at him. “Uh, Logan’s opposite…? Patton’s other half…? Ringing a bell?”

Now it was Roman’s turn to gape. “Patton has a dark side?!”

“How on earth do you not-”

“WAIT! What does Turmoil look like?”

“Uh, he’s the green one, why?”

Roman paled. “He came to my room. He convinced me to go ask Logan why Calm was trying to take my place.”

Virgil’s breath stopped. He’d been so overwhelmed that he’d completely forgotten about Calm. “Apathy’s still there?!”

“Apathy? Wait, you don’t mean-”

“Calm is actually Apathy. He hasn’t been Calm in a long time, if he ever was. He’s my opposite, if you’ve managed to forget that too…”

“Wait, so whose dark side is he?”

“Logan’s. The whole unemotional thing should’ve been your first clue. He’s really dangerous; he can keep people from- Crap!”

“What? What?!”

“He’s been controlling Logan this whole time! That’s why he’s acting like he doesn’t care. Because right now, he doesn’t. He can’t. And if he’s strong enough to corrupt me, even for a few seconds-”

“He WHAT?!”

“That’s why I left, but Patton wouldn’t listen… Crap, and that’s why Patton would’ve trusted him too. It looked like he calmed me down… And Logan wouldn’t stop him because he’s too busy not caring. We have to-”

“What about the other one? Do you know who he is?”

Virgil felt all remaining color drain from his face. “Which other one?”

“Dark blue, perfect hair, handsome…”

Virgil felt himself blush at the indirect compliments. “Uh, that would be mine.” When Roman still looked confused, he added, “Despair. My dark side, your opposite.”

“If he’s my opposite, he’s pretty strong…”

Virgil forced himself to keep breathing. That was very not good. “How strong?”

“Started corrupting me in my own room, strong.”

Virgil’s mouth hung open for a full five seconds before he found words. “That’s not… That shouldn’t be- He can’t, he’s so young…”

“How young is- Never mind, there’s no time. What do we do?!”

Virgil took a deep breath. “Was Despair down there?”

“No, I haven’t seen him since my room. He didn’t hang out there for very long either. No Deceit either.”

Virgil exhaled in relief. He couldn’t handle Despair right now. They’re all the most vulnerable to their own dark sides, and he was already barely going to be able to deal with any of this. He wasn’t even sure if he could face Patton. “As much as I’d like a plan going in, there’s no time. We have to get down there. Now!”

If Roman was affected by the scary voice, he didn’t show it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some of the good guys have a clue what's going on! If any of the stuff with the dark sides' relationships with the light sides is confusing you, good. I haven't explained all of it yet. It's hard to explain everything without my exposition character. Logan practically hasn't been in this yet... I promise things will be cleared up (for the most part, at least) in the next chapter. I also may or may not be planning lots of prequels... Details to come :)


	4. Though I'm Weak and Beaten Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Goner" by Twenty One Pilots

Virgil appeared in Thomas’s living room, immediately scrambling for some semblance of a plan. Apathy’s stronger, but Turmoil’s influence was causing more harm at the moment. He needed Logan.

“Can’t seem to get rid of you two,” Apathy commented.

Before Roman could start yelling, Virgil cut him off. “Stay calm.” He glared at Apathy. “Not that kind of calm, just avoid getting overly emotional while still taking proactive action. We need Logan, and I only know of one way to bring him back…” He frowned apologetically before taking a practically catatonic Logan’s hand. “Sorry for this…”

Logan gasped as Virgil poured anxiety into him, immediately trying to pull his hand from the younger side’s grasp.

“I just need you to focus. I need you to care so you can figure all this out…” It was already feeling too big for Virgil to tackle, at least in his current state. He found himself desperately hoping he wasn’t making things worse.

***

Deceit knocked violently on Despair’s door. “Virgil’s staying in his room and not meddling with my plans. You should keep hiding in your room since you’re not the only one who can stop him!”

Despair opened the door a crack. “Why? What’s the point?”

“There is no point. You should just isolate yourself so that you can become as powerful as he is. That is how that works, isn’t it?”

Despair shuddered. “What if I don’t care about power?”

“Of course, since he will definitely accept you when you’re weak and are of no use to him. You’re right, he has never valued power or influence. That’s why he used to partner with me, to be weaker.”

***

“Hey, Virgil. It’s been awhile.”

Roman forced himself to stay calm when Despair appeared. Virgil did not.

“What are you doing here?” Virgil had a death grip on Logan’s hand, and looked to be sending the logical side more anxiety than was strictly necessary.

“Why? Where should I be? In my room? Alone? Why should I have to be alone?!” Despair glared at Virgil, and suddenly Virgil looked like he was about to fall apart—seconds from losing this ongoing battle—with everything piled up against him.

Roman couldn’t let that happen. He found himself taking two steps towards the anxious side before taking the hand that wasn’t occupied already.

***

Logan blinked rapidly, suddenly able to focus. It was as if everything had been blurry, and someone handed him his glasses. He took about two seconds to take stock of the situation and about three more seconds to prioritize the task list before jumping into action. “Whatever you two just did, do it to Patton. Thomas will need all four of us to be as neutral as possible.” At Virgil’s terrified and overwhelmed expression, Logan added, “I’ll handle Despair. Go to Patton. You can do this, Virgil.”

Despair was already backing away slowly, as if from a predator. The look on his face made Logan painfully aware of when Virgil used to look like that—not all that long ago. He couldn’t find it in himself to be angry. Whether from his surfacing compassion for this particular dark side or Apathy’s lingering influence, he wasn’t sure.

He decided to keep his voice calm but clinical. Not necessarily cold, but certainly not overly warm. “I assume Deceit recruited you, correct?”

Despair stared at him, frozen in place.

“What did he offer you?” There must have been some kind of reward. Logan didn’t think Despair felt as much negativity towards Virgil as Apathy felt towards Logan. If he had to guess, he would think Despair felt more hurt than angry.

“Power.”

Something about that didn’t sit right. “Since when are you extrinsically motivated?”

Despair looked like a fly caught in a spider’s web. He clearly had no answer for the logical side.

Logan decided to let that go for now. “I assume your role had been to incapacitate Virgil?”

Despair’s silence was answer enough.

“That will not be an option tonight. Go back to your room. We will continue this discussion when my absence will not have a negative impact on Thomas.”

Despair blinked rapidly—again, a sharp reminder of Virgil—before sinking out.

***

Patton found himself suddenly much calmer and clear-headed, holding Virgil’s hand. As soon as he offered the younger side a small smile, Virgil pulled his hand away as if burned. Before he could wonder what he’d done wrong, Logan was talking.

“I need everyone as relaxed as possible. We’ll deal with all the details—including those two—once we help Thomas,” he said, glancing pointedly at Calm and the side who’d come with Roman.

“I’m not sure I can quite manage ‘relaxed’…” Virgil muttered.

“Anxiety will not be a problem for Thomas right now. In fact, it might just help us convince him to dismiss these two until a time when we’re better equipped to deal with them. Your presence will not harm Thomas.”

Virgil visibly relaxed at this, but tensed again when Patton gave him an encouraging smile. Patton’s smile fell.

“Kiddo, are you-”

“Later, Pat,” Virgil muttered, tone clipped and clearly on edge.

“Patton, focus on Thomas. We have to deal with the rest later.”

Patton nodded jerkily at Logan, careful to keep his emotions from his face.

***

Virgil was about a mile past his breaking point. He needed his room. He needed a long, stabilizing conversation with Logan. He needed to not be three inches from Patton. All he wanted was to not feel like this. It was too much. He could feel Apathy poking around the edges of his emotions, looking for a weak point, and the tantalizing promise of feeling nothing at all was sounding pretty good right about now.

“Virgil, listen to me,” Logan spoke softly—calmly—next to his ear. It was grounding. “I can’t fight him without you here, and if you let him take over, you won’t really be here. It won’t be you. I will spend as much time with you as you need the moment this is over, but the priority has to be Thomas. Stabilizing him will also make significant progress in calming you down. Just a few minutes… Can you do that?”

“Make them leave,” he hissed desperately. “You made Despair leave, why can’t you get rid of them?”

Logan sighed. “I didn’t make him leave. I convinced him to. Turmoil is utterly irrational, and Apathy is too antagonistic towards me. Only Thomas can dismiss them.”

Virgil knew that made sense, but he couldn’t help but feel like Logan was asking too much of him. How was he supposed to do this?

“It is too much, and, believe me, if there were any other way…” Logan’s voice was strained.

Virgil nodded so he wouldn’t have to continue. Logan would never hurt him without very good reason. He thought of Patton before he could help himself, and Logan immediately turned to face him fully.

“We will discuss this after,” he whispered, subtly shifting to stand between Patton and Virgil.

Virgil took a deep, if unsteady breath. “Ok. What do I do?”

***

“Patton, are you able to remove Turmoil’s influence from Thomas?” Patton blinked at Logan in clear confusion before glancing at the green side and putting two and two together. He knew enough to save his questions for later.

“Not by myself, kiddo. I think I need everyone to do that.”

Logan looked frustrated. “Would Roman and I be enough?”

Patton thought about that. He certainly didn’t want to overwhelm Virgil more—especially if he didn’t have to. “I can try…”

Virgil looked pained. “No, it pulls from my power. He could probably do it with just me, but not without me.”

“But kiddo, you weren’t helping when we all shared your anxiety…”

Virgil sighed. “Yeah, I was… And this is different, anyway. Even if you could do this without me, you need to split it between as many sides as possible. You’re the most likely to be overwhelmed by Turmoil, and that can’t happen right now.”

Why would he be especially vulnerable to Turmoil? It didn’t make much sense to him, but Logan was nodding with a resigned look on his face, so he gave in. “If that’s what’s best…”

***

Roman moved to Virgil’s other side before Patton could, making Logan breathe a sigh of relief. For once, Roman seemed to be properly tuned into the intricate details of the situation. 

They all reached for each other’s hands simultaneously, Roman and Patton each taking one of Thomas’s hands. They formed a sort of linked semi-circle around Thomas, who was still unconscious on the couch. Logan squeezed Virgil’s hand, a gentle reminder that he was there for him if and when he needed it.

“Thomas, buddy, wake up for us, ok?”

Thomas gasped, emotions immediately spiraling out of control as he struggled to focus on the sides surrounding him.

Virgil’s hand was like a vice, and Logan noticed a similar expression of pain on Roman’s face as the one that must be covering his own. “Thomas, relax, it’s all under control.”

“Sure looks like it too,” Turmoil laughed. “I’d hate to see out of control.”

Without letting go of Thomas or Logan, Patton turned his head sharply. “Get out.”

“Excuse me?”

“Get out!” Logan tensed at the sudden use of the dad voice. That wouldn’t help Virgil… “I don’t care who you are or why you’re here. I will not let you hurt Thomas. Not anymore. So. Get. Out.” The last three words were almost vicious in Logan’s ears.

Turmoil stared at Patton for a few seconds before sinking out. Logan couldn’t decode his facial expression, but there was certainly shock and hurt in there. Perhaps a fair quantity of anger as well.

Before Logan could relax, Virgil was hyperventilating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have noticed, I added an additional chapter to this fic... I had too much plot to quite finish it in 4. I'm also almost done with 5 already, so you shouldn't have to wait too long :)


	5. You've Got Front Row Seats to the Penitence Ball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long... I couldn't figure out how to end it with just one more chapter, so I had to extend it again... Gah.
> 
> The chapter title is from "The End" by My Chemical Romance

“Patton, how much longer?” Logan tried not to sound angry, but choosing to siphon off some of Thomas’s turmoil was severely limiting his emotional control. He would have to process all of this later—especially the emotional whiplash of shifting from full apathy almost immediately to moderate turmoil.

“I don’t know… There was a lot.” Patton sounded like he was trying to be non-threatening, which Logan appreciated for Virgil’s sake. However, he also sounded like he was getting overwhelmed again. That was less than ideal.

“Virgil, remember what I told you in your room. It couldn’t have been him. At least, not really. We’re almost there.”

Logan took a moment to marvel at Roman’s knowledge of the situation as well as his clearly effective approach to Virgil’s current headspace. He wanted desperately to be filled in, but forced himself to be the calm, soothing, clear-headed leader that Apathy could never be. “Indeed. Thomas, talk to us. You were being influenced by a dark side. Can you focus on us? We need your help.” He regretted having to push Thomas to action so quickly, but Virgil clearly needed out of this situation as soon as possible.

Thomas looked steadied by the influx of information, to Logan’s relief. “Dark side?”

“Yes. They seem to have planned a fairly intricate ambush, the details of which, I, regrettably, do not yet possess. However, one of them is still here, and we would prefer that he not be.”

Thomas blinked at him. “So what do you want me to do?”

“You are able to dismiss sides back to their rooms temporarily. If you do not wish to deal with them, you may simply ask that they leave. This does not remove their influence from you. However, it does make them unable to use their powers on other sides.”

Thomas scanned the room before locating Apathy. “Hey you, go to your room!”

Apathy just smirked.

Logan sighed. “Apathy. You need to call him by his title.”

“Apathy, then. Go to your room.” Thomas looked like he had questions, but he was no longer highest on Logan’s priority list.

“Virgil, what do you need?”

***

Virgil had no answer for that. He wanted to know every detail of the dark sides’ plan, but he wasn’t sure if he could deal with that information right now. He wanted to be alone in his room, but he also craved reassurance and comfort from his friends. He certainly wanted confirmation of how his friends actually felt about him, but he wasn’t sure if he’d like the answer. He looked helplessly at Logan. He still mostly wanted to offer himself up to Apathy’s influence.

Logan’s expression darkened just enough for Virgil to notice. “I do not wish for you to be alone right now if you are still craving the effects of your opposite. I do, however, share your desire for information. Perhaps we should start there?”

Everyone but Logan and Virgil looked confused, but Virgil nodded.

“I’ll start, since I believe I possess a few key pieces of information that you are missing, Virgil.” Logan hesitated briefly, before continuing, “firstly, for the rest of you, I am able to pick up on some details of what sides are thinking about, among other things. It is a power I have not shared with most of you, since I did not feel it was strong enough yet to be a reliable aid.”

“Wait, you can read minds?”

Logan tensed at Patton’s summary. “Certainly not. I pick up on some details, yes, but it is not remotely comparable to telepathy.” He paused, clearly waiting for more questions. “I regret to admit that my other secret is of significantly greater importance, and likely aided the dark sides in their efforts today, although that had not been my intent.”

Virgil tensed, noticing looks ranging from shock to horror on the other faces around him. He decided to simply let Logan finish before asking him to defend his actions. He didn’t even know what he did yet…

Logan winced—clearly in response to Virgil’s last thought—before continuing. “Months ago, I partnered with Deceit to-”

“What?!” Virgil should’ve expected such a response from Roman, but it still caught him off guard. He was probably just jumpy.

“I believed I was protecting the two of you” he gestured towards Roman and Patton “from the negative impact of two of the dark sides. I was—correctly, I might add—wary of what Deceit could do with anonymity, but I underestimated the motivation of the others.”

“Wait, back up… What did you actually do?” Virgil had wanted information in order to feel less confused, and this was just tying everything up in knots.

Logan sighed. “Deceit and I are able to erase certain things from the memories of other sides. I see now that this was an ill-informed decision, but I truly did believe it was justified at the time.”

Everything clicked. “Oh, crap… You erased Apathy, Turmoil, and Despair from their memories? Wait… Why do I remember them?”

“Not exactly… Despair was not yet a… factor, at the time. And, leaving your memory intact was the one aspect of this decision that I stand behind, even now. I was wary of being the only side to know of what the dark sides were truly capable of, and you seemed reliably… apprehensive of their intensions. I trusted you to be my back up.”

Before Virgil had the chance to feel good about himself, Roman was yelling. “And you didn’t trust us?! I know you don’t trust me with anything of any importance, but Patton?!”

“Falsehood. What on earth gave you the impression that I do not trust you?”

Roman looked shocked. “You never tell me anything!”

“I apologize, Roman, but you do not always seem as though you wish to be informed. Additionally, I occasionally attempt to protect you from information that might make you feel… powerless.”

Virgil felt himself go cold. “You were protecting him from Despair?”

“I did not always have a name for it, but yes.”

Virgil felt the entirely irrational desire to apologize to Roman.

“Oh no, don’t even go there. You are not to blame for your dark side—before or after he separated from you.” Logan was clearly waiting for him to acknowledge him, but Virgil just wanted to disappear into a black hole.

“Of course it’s not your fault, Virgil!” Roman gave him a warm smile before shifting back to Logan. “The problem is, your attempt to protect me from Despair seems to have made me particularly vulnerable to him.”

Logan looked puzzled, but Virgil didn’t want more evidence of Despair’s growing strength. Not right now.

Logan looked back and forth between Virgil and Roman, clearly torn. Sighing, he turned back to Virgil. “We do need to discuss what happened with Patton. All parties clearly do not have the entire story.”

***

Patton looked to Virgil in surprise. “What story?”

Virgil looked helplessly at Roman, who took over for him. “While you were being influenced by Turmoil, you went to Virgil’s room to tell him you were disappointed that he left without helping Thomas.”

Patton’s mouth fell open. “Virgil, oh my gosh, I didn’t, I would never-”

Logan jumped in, “he did not leave. There must be some alternate explanation, such as Deceit. He was otherwise suspiciously absent from this whole ordeal.”

“No, my room was locked to the dark sides. Only one of you three or Thomas could’ve gotten in…”

“Could one of the dark sides have affected Patton’s memory? Or made him do it without realizing? He was pretty out of it…” Patton looked at Roman, hurt by that last remark.

“No, only Deceit and I together can affect memory, and no dark side could’ve so thoroughly altered my perception of reality as well as Patton’s. My memory of these events are fuzzy, but not altered or missing. I am quite sure of that.”

Patton relaxed with the assurance that he had not actually brought Virgil so much pain. He knew he had said some pretty horrible things to Roman though. He made a mental note to apologize to the Creative side once Virgil was ok. “Virgil, even if you had left for the wrong reasons—and I’m not saying that you did—I would still be proud of you for doing what you thought was right.”

“But I didn’t… I didn’t even think, I just left.”

“No, Apathy kept you from thinking. That’s completely different,” Roman added.

Logan paled. “Apathy was able to influence you?”

Virgil squirmed. “I must have been letting him in, I don’t know…”

“No, Virgil, he’s stronger than even I realized. They all are. The fact that Despair could even be in Roman’s room, much less start corrupting him there…”

“What?!” How could any dark side be that strong?

Virgil leaned on Logan for support, and Logan immediately neutralized his own facial expression before changing the subject. “We will discuss more of that later, for now…” He looked around the room, making eye contact with each of the others. “Does anyone else have anything to add or ask?”

“How… How could they have gotten in my room?” Virgil whispered, looking overwhelmed and terrified. Patton’s heart broke for him. After everything else, now he couldn’t even feel safe in his own room…

***

Before Logan could answer, he found himself quite distracted.

“I’m not here to pick a fight…” Despair said preemptively, hands up to show he intended to be peaceful.

Virgil’s hand that he had been using to balance himself against Logan now had a death grip on his shoulder, nearly making him grunt in pain. What was undoubtedly worse, however, was the internal screaming that he couldn’t have stopped reading from the younger side even if he wanted to.

“What are you doing here?!” Roman seemed very protective of Virgil today. Logan wasn’t complaining… It was just another detail to file away for future thought. Those two had never been particularly amicable towards one another.

“I came to explain. I know you need to know.” This last part was directed at Virgil, but Virgil didn’t seem able to look at his other half at the moment.

“Your timing leaves something to be desired,” Logan muttered. “However, I will hear you out. Virgil, you do not need to stay.”

Roman had his sword out before Logan had even finished and was advancing towards Despair. “Why should we trust him? After everything he did…”

“Stop! Don’t hurt him…” Logan turned to Virgil in surprise. He had expected Virgil to feel safer with Roman defending him, not defensive on behalf of Despair…

Despair seemed to hardly process Virgil’s outburst, instead entirely focused on the point of the blade mere inches from his face.

“Roman, stop. Please, stop.”

It was the plea that finally got Roman’s attention. “Fine, but I will not allow him to come anywhere near you.”

Virgil ignored that, likely because Despair’s proximity had little to do with his ability to negatively impact Virgil… Or perhaps because he did not expect Despair to attempt to approach him.

When Roman finally lowered his sword, Virgil and Despair took a synchronous deep breath.

“I wasn’t thinking straight… You know what he’s like, Virge.”

Virgil visibly tensed at the nickname. “Deceit told you to do all this?”

“It was all Deceit. He has never shied away from using others for his purposes.” Virgil tensed even further. “Apathy was surprisingly engaged from the start. He doesn’t seem to feel very apathetic towards you,” this was directed towards Logan, who nodded his understanding. Apathy hated him and hated his hatred of him. This was not new information. “Turmoil was a bit harder, but he’s fond of power, and was thrilled at the prospect of messing with you two, not to mention Thomas.” He glanced at Patton and Roman before his gaze landed on Thomas. “He likes causing trouble…”

Logan was quickly growing impatient. “So why did you agree to participate? You told me it was for power, but I have yet to see any evidence that you crave it.”

Virgil’s eyes widened. “Power is a means to an end. Some pursue power for its own sake, but I never did, and neither would Despair. He wanted me.”

“Well, he can’t have you. None of them can. I won’t allow it!” Roman looked like he was itching to pull out his sword again, but he, thankfully, refrained from doing so.

“No, not like that. He doesn’t want me to join his ultra-evil alliance of bad guys. He just…” Virgil trailed off helplessly.

Despair met his eyes desperately. “I need you. I know I only ever hurt you, but you knew how to keep me under control… Everything’s… I don’t know, more manageable when you’re there.”

Logan had not expected Despair to sound so… rational. He focused hard on the dark side. It was harder to read someone he wasn’t as familiar with, but he found that he was indeed familiar with many aspects of Despair. He had, after all, been spending a lot of time with Virgil. He forced himself not to outwardly react to what he discovered. This was Despair’s last attempt at dealing with this. If he did not leave this conversation with a way to deal with his own depressive episodes, he was planning to shut down. He was giving them—Virgil, especially—one last chance to talk him down from the proverbial ledge. Logan focused on creating a plan. “He used to do for you what I often do for him,” Logan managed to keep his voice mostly even. “And, if it will assist you, I would be happy to do so for you as well. He may, of course, join me or take over if and when he is able and willing. However, you must remember-”

“No, you couldn’t help him… Not the same way I do- did. Part of him wants me to cycle his thoughts out of control, because at least that’s something. It’s distracting, and it makes him feel like everything around him is real. It’s hard to explain.” Logan couldn’t help but think this… rather hopeless outlook on the situation was not helpful, and also very telling when it came to Virgil’s state of mind. Despair was certainly affecting him, even if it might be unintentional.

Despair was nervously playing with his sweatshirt strings—a habit he had undoubtedly picked up from Virgil—and refused to meet anyone’s gaze.

“That cannot possibly be healthy. For either of you,” Logan added, almost as an afterthought. He found that he did care about both of them, even if he did trust one significantly less than the other.

“And yet, it does work…” Despair looked to Virgil, surprise and hope clear on his face. “But you know I can’t… At least not always. We cycle each other out of control. That’s why we’re separate sides now… We couldn’t function together. It just didn’t work.”

“Oh, kiddo… We’ll figure something out.”

“If I may…” Logan looked to Roman in surprise. He seemed to be full of ideas today. “Creativity is often used as a sort of outlet for darker thoughts, right?” And here he is again, coming up with a helpful, logical suggestion. Logan wasn’t sure if he should be shocked or proud. “I would be happy to show you around some of the less-frequently-explored areas of the mindscape. You could even help me plan some of Thomas’s videos if you’d like.” Roman offered Despair a hesitant smile, giving Logan the impression that this gesture was meant more as support for Virgil than actually to assist Despair.

Everything began to click in Logan’s mind. “Spending time with an opposing sympathetic function can indeed have a balancing effect. Perhaps this is the power the two of you discovered,” he glanced from Roman to Virgil, both of whom looked at the other in surprise at the relatively simple explanation. “Whatever method proves the most useful, the intent and outcome are the same. We will find a way to help you that is not destructive—whether to you or otherwise.”

It was Virgil who finally seemed to win him over. “You don’t have to be alone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I make no promises about when chapter 6 will be posted, but I'm cautiously optimistic. Now that I'm not literally only listening to the new Twenty One Pilots album and watching their interviews, I might actually get to some writing... The new video also gave me lots of ideas :) Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me through this series!


	6. We Should Take a Day to Break Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Migraine" by Twenty One Pilots. Make sure to read the rest of the notes for some important info on this chapter and future Sanders Sides fics :)

“Virgil? Are you feeling any better?” A week later, and Logan was beginning to worry. He hadn’t seen the younger side since everything had been resolved with Despair. “May I enter?”

Logan could clearly hear Virgil groan, even through the door. There was some shuffling before the door cracked open, allowing Logan to push his way through.

“As much as I would normally prefer to give you your space, I felt the need to verify your well-being after recent events.” Logan tried to clear his mind of his recent content-related arguments with Roman in order to focus on the task at hand.

Virgil shifted his weight, clearly uncomfortable. “Is, uh… Is he…?”

“As far as I am aware, his time with Roman has been as productive as can be expected at such an early juncture.” Logan hesitated. “He is safe. Of that, I am quite sure.”

Virgil visibly relaxed. Hiding Despair’s state of mind had proven impossible, and the knowledge had clearly been weighing on Virgil. “I’m, uh… I’m not quite… back, yet, I think.”

“I believe I made very clear that I do not intend to rush you. I am, however, willing and able to assist you in your recovery, should you request it.”

***

Virgil found himself hoping Logan wasn’t reading him too closely at the moment, since his offer made him immediately miss Princey, of all people… He was still a little nervous at the thought of spending time with Patton—although he expected that to go away in time—and Logan had been a little… high strung, recently. Besides, he couldn’t help but feel he and Roman had made a lot of progress. Shared trauma and all that…

Logan pursed his lips. “I apologize for any potential discomfort at my intrusion, but I do believe Roman is available and willing to provide his company. You need only ask.”

Virgil shivered. He didn’t want to worry about that just now. “How’s Thomas?”

Logan sighed. “He appears mostly recovered. However, he has not been as motivated as I would prefer, and he has been resisting Roman’s input on potential progress for our next video.”

“Sounds like the perfect video topic…” Virgil mumbled.

Logan looked at him with an unreadable expression. “I will pass on that suggestion, Virgil. If there’s nothing else you require-”

“Uh, Logan?” The Logical side simply waited expectantly. “Could you maybe not tell Roman?”

“If that is your wish, I do not see the harm in this particular secret. However, I would prefer that you not be needlessly isolated when you desire company, and he does appear to be both willing and available.”

“I’ll, uh… I’ll keep that in mind, Teach. Thanks. Oh, and, uh, Logan?” Logan turned back from the door with his eyebrows raised. “Thanks for bringing it all back under control. I don’t think I could’ve… We needed you, and you helped, and… yeah. Thanks.”

Logan smiled softly. “It was a group effort that I would argue was led by you and even Roman, but I appreciate it nonetheless.” Logan hesitated. “Virgil… Please do not refrain from requesting anything you might desire. From any of us. And if you should require anything, I will not allow that to go unnoticed.” He maintained eye contact with Virgil for several seconds before returning to the door.

Virgil pinched the bridge of his nose in an effort to lessen his headache. Roman was busy with Despair and the new video… He’d be fine.

***

“What did he say? Is he feeling better?” Patton looked expectant, puppy dog eyes trained pleadingly on Logan.

Roman leaned against the wall, hoping to look casual. He wasn’t worried. Why would he be worried? Virgil had disappeared for much longer plenty of times before…

Logan looked right at him before turning back to Patton. “He appears to still be at least minorly ill and is perhaps not yet ready for company. At any rate, he did not request any.”

Patton looked relieved and hopped away—likely to begin his plans for dinner. Roman stayed put, looking anywhere but at Logan.

“Go see him.”

Roman gaped. “What? But you said-”

“He did not request company, but he also did not request a lack thereof. You clearly wish to see him. Go see him.”

Well, when he put it like that… Still, what if-

“Uncertainty is not like you. Have you been spending too much time with your opposite?”

“No, uh, I’m just worried I’ll… make things worse, I suppose.”

Logan maintained eye contact for nearly three uncomfortable minutes before seeming to decide something. “Virgil will help to balance any potential effects of Despair. Perhaps you can assist each other.”

Before Roman could answer, Logan had sunk out.

***

Roman hadn’t even finished knocking before the door swung open. That was certainly not what he had been expecting…

“Roman…?” He sounded so… hopeful.

Roman smiled before pushing his way through the door. “That was easier than I had anticipated. Entering your domain tends to be more of a… challenge.”

“I, uh… I told it to open for you.” Virgil ducked his head further into the shadow of his hood.

“Me specifically?”

“Yeah, it’s… I actually locked it for everyone else.”

“I missed you too,” Roman said playfully, only half joking.

“Shut up,” Virgil mumbled, sounding more awkward than angry.

Roman was glad he could still be playful with the younger side without hurting him. He enjoyed their dynamic. “How are you feeling? Ready to tackle the world one angsty emo lyric at a time?”

***

Virgil shrugged halfheartedly. “Defending in suspense,” he mumbled, sure Roman wasn’t listening closely enough to hear the lyric.

“Or, perhaps, ‘suspended in a defenseless test’?”

Virgil blinked at him in surprise. “Didn’t know you listen to Twenty One Pilots…”

“I don’t have to listen myself. I absorb all of the more creative input received by Thomas and any other side. You’ve been listening to ‘Migraine’ a lot. Who’s your ‘ruthless examinant’?”

Virgil stared at him.

“I figured it couldn’t really be your ‘depressing thoughts’ since those are more Despair’s domain now,” Roman pushed further.

Virgil sighed. “Really? You wanna go there, Princey?”

Roman looked offended. “Why is that so hard to believe?”

Virgil shivered. “Don’t… don’t say that.” He clenched his eyes shut, tight.

Roman paused, looking unsure. “Virgil? Did I do something?”

Virgil forced himself to get a grip. Everything was fine. “No, just… Sorry.”

“I’m… confused.” Roman took a step towards Virgil but stopped at the look on the other’s face. “Virge? What did I do?”

Virgil took a very tense deep breath. “My, uh, ‘ruthless examinant’ used to say that… Well, one of them, anyway. One you happen to sound a little like.”

Virgil could see the second Roman put it together. “That snake used to say that to you? Why?”

Virgil’s death grip on his hoodie sleeves somehow tightened even further. “It’s hard to argue with, you know? It assumes I’m missing something obvious, so disagreeing feels stupid and pointless, and he could just convince me of all of these stupid things just by making me feel like an idiot, and-”

“Stop, Virgil, you’re not an idiot. He’s good at his job. I didn’t realize I still used any of his tactics, but I can assure you that I do not have the same motivation as that-”

“No, I know, just- I’m not… I don’t know…”

“Would using lyrics help explain? I’m good with lyrics.” Roman gave him a soft smile, and Virgil felt himself relax a fraction. Deceit never looked at him like that.

“I am not as fine as I seem,” Virgil whispered.

Roman chuckled, making Virgil freeze and stare at him. “Sorry, I just find it funny that you would whisper that line. You know, since he follows it with ‘pardon me for yelling’…”

“Oh, well… Yeah.”

“Sorry, please continue.”

“Why won’t you let me go? Do I threaten all your plans? I’m insignificant…” Virgil felt his breath catch on the last word before speeding up, and suddenly Roman was hugging him.

***

“We’ve made it this far,” Roman whispered. He tightened his grip minutely. “I want to know you…” He felt Virgil start hugging him back. “The sun will rise, and we will try again…” He couldn’t bring himself to continue that one, but he knew Virgil heard everything he wasn’t saying. He pulled back, looking Virgil in the eyes. “Now your life is free.”

Virgil was shaking his head before he even finished. “He’s still- He’s out there, strong enough to mess with Thomas now, and smart enough to work with the others, and-”

“And we stopped him. Every time.” He hesitated, unsure how he could put this into words. Sighing, he forced himself to finish what he had started. In a tight whisper, unable to meet Virgil’s eyes, he said, “Stay alive… Stay alive, for me.”

“Roman, I’m not-”

“I know, but alive doesn’t just mean not dead, Virge. You’re a part of all of this—an equal part—and we need you to help us fight them.” Roman paused, unsure how to say the rest, until it came to him. “The only difference between life and dying is one is trying.” He pursed his lips. “They will not take you down. They will not cast you out.” Virgil looked like he was shaking again, so he figured he might as well commit. “I will make you believe you are lovely.”

***

Virgil felt unwelcome tears in his eyes. Somehow, saying the lyrics had been easier, but hearing them had meant more than if Roman had said the same things a different way. It was almost like they were using a secret language with hidden depths. He wanted to hug Roman again, but he was also scared. Of what, he wasn’t quite sure anymore, but he was definitely scared.

After a long pause, Roman added quietly, “sometimes quiet is violent…”

Virgil chuckled before sobering a bit, whispering, “I must’ve forgot, you can’t trust me…”

Roman sighed dramatically before pulling Virgil into another hug. “We’re going to work on that.”

“What?”

“Your self-talk is appalling. I see where Despair got it from…”

Virgil pulled back abruptly, nearly losing his balance as his battered equilibrium tried to keep up.

Roman was steadying him, stepping back into his personal space, “whoa, are you still sick? What happened?”

Virgil cursed under his breath as he started losing control of his breathing. He wasn’t sure he could keep subtly pulling Roman’s anxiety anymore, but he didn’t want the Creative side to leave—even if he kept bringing up topics that were making him panic. “Can we not talk about how I created a side even less able to deal than I am?”

Roman froze, in clear shock. “I’m sorry Virgil, but that’s ridiculous. Firstly, you didn’t create him. He existed as a part of you, and remaining one was either unhealthy, impossible, or both. Secondly, he is actually dealing pretty well at the moment.”

That got Virgil’s attention. “Really?”

“Yeah, considering…”

“Yeah…” Virgil let out a shaky breath. “Sorry.”

“You apologize almost as much as Twenty One Pilots lyrics do. Also, you should’ve told me you were taking my anxiety. We could’ve talked somewhere else.”

“I couldn’t, I don’t want to… It feels… safe, here.” Virgil sighed. “You should go if you’re getting anxious.”

“Come with me.”

“What?”

“We don’t have to join the others if you don’t want to. There are infinite details of the mind palace that we could explore without being influenced by each other’s rooms.”

“But… You want me to come with you?”

“Of course! Why else would I have come here if I didn’t wish to spend time with you? Logan had already told me you were ok.”

“…why?”

“Logan thinks, since we’re opposing sympathetic functions—as he puts it—that we can help balance each other’s more extreme tendencies. We’re good for each other. I also realized recently that I enjoy spending time with you, which ought to be reason enough.”

“I… I think I’d like that, Princey. Thanks.”

***

Turmoil appeared in Deceit’s room, already ranting, “That was a disaster. You couldn’t even keep Despair in line, and you expect to continue bribing me with power? What power can you possibly offer me if you’re weak enough to lose your hold on that pathetic excuse for a Side? You just want to keep your gloved hands clean by tricking all of us more powerful dark sides into making way for you to more thoroughly impact Thomas. You can’t even face your opposite!”

Deceit finally cut him off. “Of course, because you would be able to influence your opposite?”

“Actually, I probably could! He’s easy to anger. You just have yet to determine Morality’s weakness, so you continue hiding from him like the coward you are!” His voice became suddenly ice-cold. “You will not interfere with my plans—you or any side unfortunate enough to still consider you their leader. You would not enjoy the consequences.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the lyrics quoted in this chapter were from the album "Vessel" by Twenty One Pilots (if you consider "Lovely" a bonus track instead of from Regional at Best...). Since all the lyrics work pretty well just as dialogue too, I'm not really considering this chapter a songfic or anything, but I just loved the idea of Virgil and Roman being able to share things through lyrics that they might not have felt comfortable saying themselves. I may have been inspired a bit by the new video...
> 
> Speaking of, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to write stuff surrounding the new vid in this universe as my next fic before launching into the extensive prequels. I'm also considering doing the prequels in reverse chronological order...? What do you think?
> 
> Thanks so much to those of you who have been with me on this series since the beginning, and to those of you who are just discovering it now! This has been a blast to plan and write, and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon... I love this universe :)

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! I know a lot of this is OOC right now. There's plot reasons. I promise.


End file.
